Monday, February 16, 2009

The Depraved Duchess shares The Lover's Guide

Valentine's is over, but who says romance can only happen once a year? Let's go over a few little things that get the mood going anytime.

Try this:

1. Gentlemen: get up, walk the dog, shower, give the kids extra pocket money and tell them to go play. Routine tasks accomplished, now is the time for the Champagne breakfast - because it's meant to be a bit cliché; this is a hallmark of romance and there are no prizes for undue originality here. Similarly, the roses - enough said.

2. There's a sexy little extra you can bring to this scene, however. While your lover stirs, touch the chilled bottle to her cheek or neck and then the sexy new toy you've thought to buy for her - this having spent some time alone with the toy working out what the buttons do and which way the batteries fit. Bingo: you've shown you're a liberated guy, that you value your partner's pleasure and you don't worry if your penis isn't solely responsible for that. And you've set the day buzzing right from the word go.

3. Exchange some love messages. On a card, write what you love most about your partner. Express gratitude at having them in your life. It may be you find it easier to express your feelings on paper than in spoken words. Perhaps you might like to give two cards, one for the mantelpiece, for all to see, with that question mark, and one more sexually adventurous card - You'll know the sort of sexy talk you and your partner like, and what your partner thinks of as steamy and what as rude. Another way of sharing written messages is for both of you to write, on individual pieces of paper, the things you'd most like to try, perhaps colour coded for him and her. Pop them into a hat, take a slurp on that Champagne, and in your wandering hands go. ('I want to run the tip of my tongue from your toes to the nape of your neck'; 'I want to wear blindfolds to make love'; 'I want to hold you while you masturbate'. Dot dot dot.)

4. Prolong your lovemaking. This doesn't mean you necessarily have to leap from sex position to sex play treat and back again, until your personal trainer might be telling you to calm down. There's an awful lot to be said for just being together, touching, caressing each other and kissing, letting your thoughts and your bodies find their own pace. You might like to watch a DVD together, settle back and take in some fresh perspectives on your favourite techniques, and discover plenty of new ones. However you make love now, we should safely expect the rest of the day, until you make love again, to be marked with a certain glow.

In the news

Regulating the net. Would you like to be in charge of what you see and read on the internet? Do you feel incapable of regulating your browser experience, preferring instead for people with more wisdom than you have, the sort who exist in committees, to decide what it's okay for you to look at. We know, of course, about the Great Firewall of China. Australia has been threatening to filter. In the UK, 'extreme porn', hazily defined, is now illegal. In India, watch what you're browsing - and who's watching you.

Teen spirit. You'd think the raging hormones, the new and enhanced body bits and (every young person's) solo-invention of masturbation might be enough to contend with. Meanwhile, 'orthodox' adulthood's ever-escalating sexual anxiety - and general identity crisis - keeps getting itself offloaded, piled to ever more Taliban-esque heights, and all this in the name of protection, on teenage minds looking for teenage kicks. Yes, we know virginity pledges don't work and are actually counterproductive. (Did you know that in England a parent is potentially and technically liable for up to 15 years if not so little Jonnie is snogging his girl upstairs?) And yes, we know that teenage pregnancy is a really bad idea. Anyway, Scotland's been rethinking its laws of late. Will they be fondling each other's bits next year?

Happy loving

We hope you're feeling the first hints of Spring and that you've plenty of great ideas about how you can celebrate your love for your partner - on Valentine's and indeed the whole year round.

Meantime: love yourself; love your partner. Vibrate.

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