2010Jan01 Courage

Sunday 2010Jan01

 

I arrived less than an hour before they started hooking Randy up to the dialysis machine. Now it's hooked up and we must wait.

 

I've seen the notes of support and prayer from all over the world and I'm stunned by all the love from people I hardly know. It's overwhelming to realize how many lives the average human touches. I guess the Seven Degrees of Separation really are accurate.

 

Several folks have commented on my courage. There's no courage here. I'm scared, I cry when I see a comment on Facebook that reminds me how much we used to do together he and I, etc. This so-called courage is simply the common sense to know my body keeps breathing, pumping blood, and my soul is still here inside my body. No matter what, that's not going to change what's happening.

 

The horror of all this doesn't change the facts. My vibrant, spit-in-your-eye husband is still the big rag doll lying in that bed with more tubes and sensors running out of his body than I care to count. I'm glad he's comatose so he isn't humiliated by his weakness.

 

I hope I don't seem cold-blooded. Part of me is wailing and repeating, "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" like a bad Scarlet O'Hara imitation. The other half of me slaps the ninny silly and starts making priority lists, like "Get a job, research lower priced housing, and reassess finances."

 

When you break it all down into smaller lists, it's not so overwhelming. I've moved a lot, so I'll dig out the Smart Move tape sets and start loading up the boxes David brings from his work. Day by day, you just put stuff in boxes or pile up to give to charity until you're done.

 

Job-hunting is a little tougher. I've been a housewife for years. My wardrobe reflects that lifestyle. I'll have to make do for a while, but I'm sure I can cobble together a few outfits for interviews.

 

Reassessing the finances will have to wait. I know what I have in the bank right now, and I have one month to find more income. That's not a lot of time. Job-hunting just became the priority. Even if Randy remains hospitalized, I have to do this.

 

Life has dealt me one helluva black eye, but I can either get up and keep fighting or I can lie down and die. I'm not ready to die, so I guess I'll be putting up my dukes.