Humor: Annual Dementia Test

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions this year,

the economy you know.... 

Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales ... In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..

 

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

Garfield on the Oil Crisis

GARFIELD




ON THE OIL CRISIS

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in:

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Coastal Alabama

~~~~

Coastal Mississippi

~~~~

Coastal Texas

~~~

North Dakota

~~~

Wyoming

~~~

Colorado

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

~~~

And

~~~

Texas

~~~

Our dipsticks are located in DC

~~~

Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

Tired of Snow?

Sure, I'm down here in Florida, but I have seen how this horrible winter has affected my friends and family. Hope this cheers you up.

Humor: What is a Calorie??

What is a calorie?   Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at   night and sew your clothes tighter.    MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!    __________________________________________________________

Humor of the Day: Do Not Disturb Sign

Yes, I'm easily amused, but this...

I'd love to see some comments on this.

Humor of the Day: DADT 1917

Okay, so even I have moments of weirdness...

They made a cute couple, didn't they?

Funny Halloween Picture-- LOL Cats

I have two black cats. I can see them sitting like this, examining a jack-o-lantern.

Guest Author Tuesday Richards

Read an excerpt

Hollow Cove by Tuesday RichardsCover art: Bryan Keller ISBN: 978-1-60521-113-8 Genre(s): Paranormal, Humor & Satire Theme(s): Vampires, Magic and Mayhem, Seasonal Themes Length: Novella

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1022

Blurb:
Being a witch with magic on the fritz does not bode well for Celeste, but Hollow Cove is all she knows and loves -- even when she has to deal with finicky magic like a voyeuristic water elemental named Hokey trapped in the wall of her shower. Being the runt of a litter of strong boys and lovely girls made family life hard for Booth. He left Hollow Cove as soon as he was old enough, and now he has a successful real estate business in the Mortal Realm. He has only one regret. He comes back to Hollow Cove every year on Halloween to spend twenty-four hours with the love of his life, Celeste. This year is different; Booth has laid down the law. If Celeste won’t return to the Mortal Realm with him, their relationship is over.

Excerpt:
Paranormal Investigations Team: Hollow Cove
Tuesday Richards
All rights reserved.
Copyright ©2008 Tuesday Richards
This e-book file contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language which some may find offensive and which is not appropriate for a young audience. Changeling Press E-Books are for sale to adults, only, as defined by the laws of the country in which you made your purchase. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers.
“I’m late, I’m late!” Celeste’s foot hurt, and the sandals didn’t help any. If she hadn’t tried to bake a quiche, she wouldn’t have dropped the dish on her foot. Her German shepherd, Eostar, had gotten a great midnight snack.
Celeste continued out the door, purse and destination crystal in hand. She walked down the brick pathway leading to the teleport chamber, a big metal box able to hold several people, which sat in front of her house. She stopped an inch short of the chamber.
“Oh, come on!” Already late, and now she had to go to the neighbor’s. She limped across the lawn to the house next door, then pounded on oak with her fist. “Tobe! Open up!”
Tobe Humorous was a living, kind of, skeleton. A walking, talking, skinless being that somehow managed to marry a vampire named Betsy and have three rambunctious children -- two boys, Nail and Coffin, and one girl, Inda.
Tobe yanked the door open before she could start the second round of pounding on it. “What is it, Celeste?”
She stared at him, hands on her hips, like he would actually grow skin right there in front of her. “Tobe, get your vampire skeletal children out there to clean my teleport. They drew on it with pumpkin chalk again.”
Tobe poked his head out the doorframe, sighed heavily and turned around. “Betsy, the boys colored on Ms. Celeste’s teleport again!” Tobe turned back to her and smiled. “It’ll be cleaned up by morning, Ms. Celeste.”
“Sorry to have bothered you so late, but I’m expecting company.” Celeste looked everywhere but at him, and hadn’t a clue why her nerves were on edge. Or at least that she would admit to.
If Tobe could smile, Celeste was sure he would right now.
“Ah, yes. All Hallows’ Eve. Booth returns, high school sweethearts together again.” He shook his skull from side to side. “When will he realize what he has and come home? Werewolves… I tell you what, Ms. Celeste, it’s all those pups in one womb does something to the brain.” He closed the door with a chuckle.
Booth had been Celeste’s high school sweetheart. When he told his family and friends he was moving to the Mortal Realm in search of bigger and better opportunities, everybody argued the change. What could that place really offer a supernatural creature, except the inability to be who you truly are? He had always been unhappy in Hollow Cove; his family treated him differently from the rest of his litter just because he was the runt -- but only by an inch. One day he confided that he could no longer live in his brothers’ and sisters’ shadow. He had to go find his own place in the galaxy and he seemed to have found it, far away from her.
Yet every year he returned to Hollow Cove, and her. Even after five years, Celeste still felt like a giddy youngling preparing for his visit. However, each time, with no promises to stay, he left twenty-four hours later.
She limped back to the teleport, jammed the crystal in the destination slot for Hollow Cove Ritual Park, and stepped in. Teleportation was much simpler. You didn’t have to worry about driving a hover car, walking or mispronouncing a word in a spell. The destination crystal, when placed in the appropriate slot, would instantly teleport you anywhere in Hollow Cove.
Celeste descended from a long line of powerful witches, but for some reason she disappointingly lacked the powers prevalent in her family. Her sketchy spells, inability to shapeshift, and occasional complete power failure convinced her she was adopted. Her grandmother always asked if she were the milkman’s daughter. Mother always argued Celeste looked nothing like the were-bull who delivered milk every week. She was a true Deal witch -- sometimes.
She stepped out of the teleport and ran across the park to the gateway, then plopped down on a bench to catch her breath. She glanced at her watch. “Right on time.”
The gateway between realms came to life, multi-colored lights spinning webs in the night sky. The open space grew brighter in strength and intensity. Figures began to filter through. From 12:01 AM to midnight on Halloween every year, the Mortal Realm and Hollow Cove were connected.
Celeste looked forward to Halloween, yet dreaded it all at the same time. Booth had hit it lucky, found himself a high roller job with some sort of upscale hydro real estate agency or something. All she knew, seeing how he didn’t like to talk about work when here, was that he had more money than she had ever seen and she was the only reason he came back.
Celeste was waiting for the year Booth decided not to return. She loved him and wanted to be with him for eternity, but the fear of having to hide held her back. Her family, her life was Hollow Cove…

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1022

Recipe

PG13 ADULT Excerpt: Blue Rose by Lena Austin (erotic, GLBT, Menage)

Did you know I consider this book my magnum opus? I present to you my greatest achievement to date:




Blue Rose

Author: Lena Austin
Artist: Renee George

ISBN:	978-1-60168-183-6
Genre:	Paranormal Erotic Romance
Publisher:	Aspen Mountain Press
Publication Date:	02/06/09
Sexual Content:	Erotic/M/M/Menage

Buy Link: http://www.aspenmountainpress.com/fantasy/fantasy/blue-rose/prod_213.html

Synopsis:
Ever read Dante's Inferno? The old boy must have a new nickname—Pinwheel—for all the turning over in his grave he's doing.  

     This time the tourists in Hell are a poisoned warrior princess and her two suitor princes, both of whom have secrets of their own. Their guide is not a gentle philosopher-poet, but a sassy demon with his own reasons for being their escort through all nine levels. They have to find the blue rose in the deepest part of Hell and make it into an antidote potion before the next full moon or the princess dies.  

     Things have changed a little—okay, a lot—since old Dante made his visit. Hell is timeless, existing in all times simultaneously. Along the way they'll meet the Furies, a little thief named Dodger, a few gods and goddesses, and step over Satan's chewing gum and they're getting quite an education in the process.  But time is running out for the princess....

Excerpt:

At long last, her father stood, signaling with a wave that the dancing would begin. Servants rushed to obey, but Zara rescued the bowl of grapes and hid it in a niche behind a tapestry. It would serve her well to have a cool, sweet treat to see her through the hours of dancing ahead.

Defiantly, she popped another into her mouth and grinned like a conspirator at Prince Kennit when he hid a large goblet in the same niche. He leaned over to whisper, "I shall share my water, if you share your grapes."

Nodding agreement, Zara allowed her father to sweep her into his arms for the opening dance. At least dancing quickened the heart and brought a flush to one's cheeks. She would take what she could get in the way of exercise. Undoubtedly by now the stablemen had their orders to tell her that her stallion had a rock in his hoof, a sprain in his foreleg, or any other lie to forestall her riding him away, even for an hour.

No sooner did her father relinquish her hand than a dance slate was pressed into her palm by the seneschal, who'd kindly–he thought—taken a list of partners for her. She glanced down, and read quickly. No prince was permitted more than two dances in a row with her, though there were conspicuous empty spots left on the list for her to discreetly signify her choice by permitting more than two dances with any prince that caught her eye.

Naturally, Prince Bram the Perfect was first on the list. King Ragnar was making his preferences perfectly clear. She was beginning to hate that word.

Zara handed the slate back to the seneschal with a nod of thanks, and raised her arms for Prince Bram to take her back out on the floor. She ignored the tremble in her stomach, and told her fears to settle. He may be boring, but he was the best choice so far.

But her stomach did not settle. It rumbled and grew worse. Her face felt flushed and her fingertips felt as if they were ice cold. She could no longer feel her feet, and every step became an agonizingly icy stab. Zara persevered, knowing it was likely she'd caught some small illness from all the newcomers. Tomorrow, she promised herself a morning of rest.

Many of the older courtiers retired, including most of the contenders after one dance with her. The drunkards stumbled through a dance with her before being discreetly removed by the staff, and the oldsters confessed themselves quite worn out and retired from the field. Only one contender had to be threatened with being fed his balls before he stopped fondling her, so Zara thought she got off lucky.

Finally, only Prince Bram and Prince Kennit remained. Kennit took pity on her feverish face and asked that a small table be set near one of the open windows, permitting a cool breeze to dry the sweat pouring from Zara's brow.

Prince Bram, not to be outdone, fetched her grapes from their hiding place and fed them to her one by one, pausing only when she turned and shared Prince Kennit's goblet.

Finding a common subject to discuss had been difficult, for they, all three, had vastly different interests. The three of them settled on a card game made fashionable in Bram's kingdom the previous summer, and he taught them to play "Bell and Candle" with enthusiasm.

Zara noted their differing styles with interest. Bram played with reckless abandon, bluffing and making daring plays to get desired sets of matches. Kennit played with care and precision, rarely making a bluff but devastating when he did because it was unexpected. She counted the cards and noted the matches already made, and could guess at what would be dealt next. Between them, they rang the bell provided by the staff equally well.

Soon, Zara's illness began to tell upon her. She fought her wavering eyesight and surreptitiously wiped the sweat pouring from her brow, using the ruse of setting the water and grapes on the ledge of the open window to cool them as an excuse for sticking her face in the wind as much as possible, even if the breeze seemed to stick a thousand icy needles in her skin. It dried her sweat and made her appear less like an apple-cheeked peasant, didn't it?

Kennit had escorted her to the window, ostensibly to get a drink for himself from the goblet. He leaned close and whispered, "You are ill, Zara. End this charade and stop teasing. Pick Bram and have done. Go to bed. Your wedding and bedding of his perfection can wait a few more days."

Zara planted her trembling hands on the ledge and ate another grape for its cool sweetness in her hot, dry throat. The floor seemed wreathed in smoke. How odd. Was there fog and the window allowed it entry? Shame washed over her as she realized that's what both the princes thought–that she was teasing and being coy. How wrong they were! "I'm not teasing, Kennit. I can't decide." The fog rose higher, swirling around her thighs. She reached up to close the shutter, and her hand met only air.

Bram's chair scraped. "Watch her. She's going out the window!"

Kennit's hand closed about her wrist. "Stop, Zara. Stop. If you can't choose, then go to bed. None of us will die before the morrow."

Zara swayed and fell into Kennit's arms. "Pardon. Are you sure, Kennit? Why can't you be perfect too?" The fog wrapped around her and enveloped her.

His soft voice was the last she heard. "I am. I'm perfectly me, and that's all I want to be."

Buy Link: http://www.aspenmountainpress.com/fantasy/fantasy/blue-rose/prod_213.html

"Write Drunk..., Edit Sober..." Ernest Hemingway

Lena Austin

New Release! Excerpt : Dire Wolves: Silence (GLBT, Shapeshifters, Vampires, AA, Humor. Adults Only)

It's out! It's finally out! Yaaay!

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1447

Blurb:

 

"One funeral wasn't enough for you?" said the kidnapper's note…

Deafened in an attempted murder, Detective Cameron Douglas is involuntarily retired from the force, despite his willingness to continue with the investigation of the murder of the mayor's secretary. Now, it's personal.

ENT therapist Noel Miller is a vampire with a few scars of his own. He wants to be more than Cam's interpreter and instructor in deaf culture. He could help Cam, if only the werewolf will let him into his life and heart.

Then the murderer strikes again. Right at Cam. 

Excerpt:

"Danse Macabre" was a lousy choice for a ring tone, but Detective Cameron Douglas always thought about it when he had the least amount of time to change the ring to something else. The tune was the last he'd ever hear. Cam didn't know that sad fact, or he'd have changed the ring sooner.

Cam snatched the phone out of his pocket and flipped it open as soon as he saw it was his boss, Lt. Kraynak. "Hey, Mark! You caught me just leaving the mayor's office."

"Yeah?" Mark's voice always sounded nervous, but at that moment, he sounded as squeaky as a girl. Cam always wondered if Mark was as closet gay as Cam himself. "How'd it go?"

Cam sighed. The investigation into the death of the mayor's secretary, Margaret Lund, was supposed to be kept very quiet and low-key. "We got the blood from her apartment at the lab, looking for DNA. They seem to be consistent with the defensive marks found on her body despite floating around in the St. John's River for a while. I've got a few good leads." He had to be vague. Cam couldn't exactly tell his boss he was a werewolf and he'd caught an odd, masculine scent in Margaret's apartment. He knew any sort of masculine odor didn't belong in that apartment because Margaret and his mother had been lovers for over twenty years. Not exactly what you want the whole world to know. Mom had been in the closet all her life, and he wasn't about to out her when she was mourning "Aunt Maggie's" death. Dad would turn over in his grave, the day care she'd run for fifteen years would close, and her life would be in ruins. What she and Maggie had enjoyed just wasn't ever going to be public, and that wasn't admissible evidence anyway.

He could see it now. Him, on the witness stand. "Yes, Your Honor. I'm a werewolf you see, and I sniffed this odor…" He winced, even to himself.

"I don't like it, Cam. You shouldn't be on this case. Ms. Lund was your mother's best friend. You could be called prejudiced in court." Mark popped another gumball in his mouth. Cam heard it rattle against his teeth before it crackled as he chewed it into oblivion. Mark'd been trying to quit smoking again, and kept a gumball bank on his desk.

"I don't like it, either, Mark. Where His Honor got the idea I'd be the only detective who could do the job is beyond me." Cam was in sight of his car at last. The covered parking garage across the street from City Hall was a piece of shit like all the rest of downtown. Half the security cameras didn't work at the best of times, and the roof leaked whenever it rained. So where was he parked? On the roof. In the rain. Of course. So he was wet. It was Florida. Not like he would melt. He was a werewolf, not a witch, and this wasn't Hollyweird.

The beep in his ear made him jump, and the caller ID told him it was Mom. "Hey, I'm at my car. Hang on a sec." Cam flipped over to his mother's call and sat down on a bench about fifty feet from his car, in the shelter covering the elevator. "Hi, Mom." He frowned and noticed the hood of his car was slightly ajar. That was odd. He distinctly remembered changing the oil the previous Sunday and slamming the hood closed because he hated working in the hot sun.

            He never heard her answer. Hell, he never heard anything except the biggest boom on the planet. 

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1447

Adult Excerpt: Night Critters Collection by Lena Austin and Tuesday Richards (Shapeshifters, Humor, Paranormal, Werewolves, Vampires)

 

It's payday...I mean, Friday in Fiji! Yaaay!

Read an excerpt

Night Critters (Collection) by Lena Austin and Tuesday Richards Cover art: Sahara Kelly ISBN: 978-1-60521-449-8 Genre(s): Paranormal, Collections Theme(s): Shapeshifters Length: Collection

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1439

Blurb:

When hybrids collide with a wolf pack, love and laughter are just the beginning.

The Thornburn Pack was normal, once. Normal for werewolves, anyway.

Then they began to fall in love with mixed breeds like a Chuskie (Half Husky, Half Chihuahua -- don't ask how), a fiery Goth half-angel, a foo-dog/dragon, and an angry fairy with a shotgun.

Life -- and love -- has never been this hilarious.

Excerpt:

With aching slowness, Corbin pulled down the zipper of her minimalist jumpsuit, designed to hug every curve of her body. She'd bought the jumpsuit with Corbin in mind, and he seemed to appreciate the effort on his behalf. His lips followed the zipper's slow trail down, licking and nibbling every inch revealed. "Did I mention how much I love this suit you sprayed on?"

Roni gasped and wriggled beneath him. The tiny bites and soothing licks, moving slowly down to her dripping pussy, made the anticipation increase to unimaginable levels. Most guys hopped on with minimal attention to her needs and rode her like a racehorse doing the two-minute mile. Not Corbin! The human was a master of the slow, sensual lovemaking most women dreamed of. "You're showing me just fine."

Corbin chuckled softly at her moaned answer. He continued to pull the zipper down past her hip joint, but stopped its progress midway to her knee. There, his lips worked their way to the soft flesh on the inside of Roni's thigh. "Open for me, baby."

Obediently, Roni spread herself before him, helplessly caught in her need for his tongue or his cock. She didn't give a rat's ass, as long as she got relief from the rumbling volcano inside her. She could feel her skin heating, knowing her fur was showing and unable to stop it. She just prayed her shaved pussy would be enough to keep the virtually hairless human aroused. "Corbin…"

Her zipper slid down to her knee, exposing more of her flesh. Corbin's hot mouth attacked her pussy like he was a hungry predator. His sensual hum vibrated up her entire body.

Her delighted shudders echoed his hum, and her entire focus narrowed to how his tongue scraped across her swollen clit, and his chin ground into her flowing pussy. One of her hands crept downward and pulled apart her labia to give him full access.

Corbin responded to her silent plea by delving even deeper into his treat. If she'd been an ice cream cone he'd have been swirling his tongue to relish every bit, fueling a thousand fantasies of every woman in view. As it was, he was all hers, and he was a master at his art.

Roni had no warning. Her body stilled only for a second, an eternity of waiting before she exploded. Her back arched, and she clawed the rug to hang on to sanity. Roni screeched his name, helpless and caught in the force of her orgasm.

Her human lover wasted no time. He knelt upright and wiped his chin of her juices with an evil grin of triumph. Had he been a werewolf, such an expression would have been a serious challenge to her as a born Alpha Bitch. Then, he ripped her new jumpsuit to shreds with his bare hands.

The loss Roni counted as a small one. She'd buy another. She restrained herself from the urge to go completely furry and demand a chase in the woods. Poor primate that he was, he'd never scent her out, much less catch her and tame her as an Alpha Male claimed his mate. What a shame. He came so close to perfection, Roni almost howled in despair.

Corbin closed his eyes for a moment and shuddered. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. His dark eyes opened, and he grabbed her ankles. Before Roni could even squeak, he put her feet on his shoulders and hauled her bodily across the carpet until his cock nestled against her still throbbing pussy. "C'mere!"

The Chuskie in her obeyed before the thinking woman caught on. Roni blessed her daily sit-ups and came upward to put her arms around his neck. Seamlessly, she slid down on his cock and fell backwards toward the carpet.

Corbin's strong arms saved her from a nasty bump on the head and gently lowered her back now that he was firmly entrenched inside her. Again, he shuddered, perhaps to avoid coming too soon. He put his hands on her thighs as his brace. "Ready, baby?"

Unable to speak, Roni nodded and grabbed the carpet once more. She'd be at his mercy, and unless she wanted a serious rug burn on the parts not still covered by the remains of her jumpsuit, she had to hang on tight.

The first thrust rocked her back into orgasm. Roni clawed the carpet. Again and again, each thrust shoved her further across the Oriental rug. Ana was going to kill her, but Roni didn't give a royal damn. She howled her lover's name. "Cor-wor-wor-woo-woo!" God, Roni hoped she didn't sound like an idiot.

http://www.changelingpress.com/product.php?&upt=book&ubid=1439

Lena Austin

Http://www.LenaAustin.com

Humor: Universal Truths

I definitely agree with most of these, especially #1.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call. (I'm not ignoring you. You just talk too damn much.)

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with booze than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps and MapQuest had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw
it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever. That's what my DH thinks, anyway.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? Pull up your damn pants! You want a real job, or are you going to say, "Do you want fries with that?" for the rest of your unnatural life?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as
they go by."

Humor: The Bulwer-Lytton contest entrants

I couldn't find if these were this year's entries, but I'm amused.

1. With a  curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face  framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long  black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight  nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple  peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall:  "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a  man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and  soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he  loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep  her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked  quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like  an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent  remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Humor: Retarded Grandparents

In these days where "retarded" has become a dirty word and an epithet, let us keep in mind that little pitchers have big ears and even bigger mouths, but don't expect them to report what they hear accurately.

This is great !!!

RETARDED  GRANDPARENT

   (this was actually  reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent  their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We  always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded  and they moved to Arizona .

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it  with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.....  PRICELESS

Lena Austin
http://www.LenaAustin.com
Writing blog: http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com
Recipe and Pagan blog: http://third-infinity.blogspot.com
Low Carb Diet blog: http://fatfrogdiary.blogspot.com

Another Funny Picture

This cat reminds me of my DH. Dante and I act like fools at holiday time, but DH just grumbles. However, don't you even think about someone else stringing the holiday lights on the house or tree! He claims we don't do it correctly. LOL! Dante and I ignore his grumbles and cheerfully celebrate as much as we wish.

Do you have a Grinch at your house? How do you handle them?

Forgive me, I just couldn't resist...

(Snerk)

Ways to Annoy a Teen #1-- Short Showers

Hey Parents! Here's a new way to annoy the teens in your home! Just don't show them the reset button! No more gallons of water waste. Why didn't someone invent this when my girls were teens?

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/ecogeek/1022/showerhead-with-automatic-shutoff.html

Ya Think, Dr Berman?

Geez, all Dr. Berman had to do was ask an erotica writer...we would have told her for the cost of a few ebooks.


Need a little help getting your fantasy life going? Here are 10 hot and steamy stories to get you started. And remember, fantasy comes from relaxing and letting your mind wander!

Sexual Submission
Women often imagine themselves being ravaged and taken control of — it doesn't mean you want it in your real sex life, but it's fun to entertain the idea. Fantasize about someone powerful having his way with you sexually. Maybe there are blindfolds or restraints. Maybe you're taken by surprise!

Voyeuristic Sex
You're being watched while you're having sex, maybe being forced to have sex in front of other people. You might also be the one spying on someone else having sex. Anyone, a stranger or someone you know, can be the subject of this fantasy. You would be ashamed — maybe ruined — if anyone ever found out. But that's exactly what makes it so good!

Knight in Shining Armor
This is the romantic's fantasy. Your perfect man courts you, seduces you, and makes you feel everything you've ever desired. He treats you in all of the ways your partner does not. He pampers you, understands you, and totally worships you. He also makes all of your sexual fantasies come true, without your even asking.

Being a "Bad" Girl
Women who follow all the rules in daily life may dream of letting the bad girl out to play. Maybe you strip for a roomful of men or seduce a man you've just met for casual sex. You're aggressive, and you go after who and what you want with no apologies!

Taking Control
Many women dream of taking charge in their favorite sexual fantasies. You could be a dominatrix leading a man back to your hideout and planning to make him your sex slave. You'll tie him up until he promises to be submissive, and then you'll tell him when, where, and how to touch you.

Sex With an Ex
Do you, like many other women, have an ex who rocked your world sexually or who loved you and left you (giving him a permanent place in the land of unresolved relationships)? Imagine running into him unexpectedly and beginning a passionate affair — because the sex is still that good.

Girl-on-Girl
It's you and the woman of your dreams. Whether Angelina Jolie is your idea of a hot babe or you'd rather make someone up, fantasizing about lesbian sex is especially appealing for women who've never actually experienced it. Imagine what her female body feels like (so different from your partner's) and how you'll stimulate each other.

Group Sex
Everything from an orgy to a threesome falls into this category. Maybe you're watching a group of other people have sex. What about having a threesome with two guys? Two girls? A guy and a girl? You kiss one person but your hands are on another. Anything goes!

Sex on the Beach
You're on vacation, so everything is tropical and lazy. You've met someone intoxicating and you're having sex on the hot sand, the water about to crash onto you. Sex has never been so good! You're in paradise, but you know it has to end.

Kinky Sex
Dreaming of something even more outrageous? This is the fantasy about your deepest desires — the ones you would probably never share with anyone — but that arouse you and provoke you. Maybe they are desires that go against all of your morals, or are even societal taboos. Use your imagination. No one has to know.

Last Updated: 08/15/2007
Laura Berman, LCSW, PhD, is assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University and director of the Berman Center in Chicago. Dr. Berman's online program, The Passion Prescription, based on her book of the same name, provides a step-by-step guide to recharging and making over your sex life.

Not The Easy Way Out After All

Many folks don't know this, though I've not kept it a secret. On January 2, 2009 I was in surgery to get a LapBand installed. Since November when I began the serious business of preparing for surgery, I've lost a little over 40 pounds, and I'm still dropping 'em at the rate of 1-3 pounds a week.

While most people respond positively, a few seem to drop their jaws and act as if I'd just done something incredibly radical. Here's what another bandster wrote to explain his decision. His eloquence is incredible. (Note: I do not advocate the use of any drugs. I'm quoting him.)

For a simple and effective tutorial on how I came to this choice, follow these steps:

1. Smoke the strongest marijuana you can find until your eyes nearly fall out of your head. Get hold of that feeling of the most uncontrollable munchies and maintain that pose for fifteen years - sitting opposite a bowl of your favourite comfort food. Keep smoking and stay in front of that food. When you succumb, invite people to mock you for another fifteen years for being a failure.

2. Go into a hall of mirrors and look at the biggest, ugliest version of you that you can find and proclaim that you love the way you look in that mirror...do this for fifteen years, whilst praying that someone smashes the mirror. When they do, turn around and realise all mirrors now show the same thing.

3. Go shopping for clothes that do not exist in your size and ensure that the assistants look down their noses for you having the gall to ask if they stock anything appropriate. Do this every weekend. For fifteen years.

4. Strap a fully grown small adult woman to your chest and walk around for fifteen years like that - don't worry, she will just hang there and say nothing. She may prod you in the liver once in a while, give you diabetes and make people laugh and be disgusted at you - but that's not too much for you to take, is it? When, after trying to get her off repeatedly for fifteen years and you decide the time has come to ask somebody to help you unstrap her...watch out - I understand that people maybe judging you for being a failure or for taking the easy way out.

Number 4 is the biggie for me. I've actually had someone accuse me of taking the easy way out. I do not call being poked with needles, scanned by every device known to medical science, prodded in private regions normally labeled "Exit Only" and humiliated for a year by nutritionists, trainers, and my own doctor "The Easy Way Out." (That's torture.)

I do not call resigning myself to never tasting high-carb or starchy foods like rice, bread, potatoes, ice cream, doughnuts, or my own birthday cake for the rest of my life as "The Easy Way Out." (That's torture.)

Oh, and let's not forget the "pleasure" of knife-like pain in the stomach until you throw up everything in your stomach because you either ate the wrong thing or simply ate the right things too fast as The Easy Way Out. Don't worry, your hostess won't consider you absolutely disgusting and rude for throwing up the delicious food she spent hours preparing. This is "The Easy Way Out." (For extra credit points on self-torture, do this at outdoor events where there's no place to hide and throw up privately.)

I do not call having to pay top dollar for adult chewable vitamins or liquid medications and being monitored for the rest of my life by paranoid doctors who must dutifully watch for malnutrition for the rest of my life "The Easy Way Out." (That monitoring involves needles, and that's torture.)

I do not call having to ask for a take out box from the waitress at the same time I order food in a restaurant because I know I can't eat all of what comes with the food and give away my biscuits, hush puppies, fries or whatever to my dining companions or the dog when I get home "The Easy Way Out." (That's torture, thanks.)

All in all, the evil monk Torquemada, who invented many of the devices used in the Inquisition, couldn't come up with a more horrifying way to inflict suffering than the medical profession's device known as a LapBand, all in the name of Losing Weight for One's Health.

This is not The Easy Way Out. Let's call it what it was for me: The Last Act of a Desperate Woman.

A Nation of Spoiled Idiots

This is great!!! Wish I knew where to see more of this guy. If someone knows who he is and more about him, please tell me.

Shortcut to: http://copywriterunderground.com/2009/02/11/we-live-in-an-amazing-amazing-world-and-its-wasted-on-the-crappiest-generation-of-spoiled-idiots/

This guy speaks about being grateful for what we have in the most hilarious way possible. I love what he said. I'll try to be more patient the next time I have trouble with my cell phone or waiting in long lines at the airport, that's for darn sure.

Lena