I couldn't find if these were this year's entries, but I'm amused.
1. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The high price of foreclosure and bankruptcy
A helpful and loving friend and I had a private conversation going about bankruptcy and foreclosure. In these hard economic times, with my DH out of work for the second time in the past year, I think it's time I let folks know what it's like to lose everything--your job, your home, your credit, and finally your self-esteem.
Be very grateful if you've never had the experience. I can't think of anything more humiliating than bankruptcy and foreclosure. Your life is destroyed and you're treated like scum, even if you paid your mortgage and bills on time for over ten years. No matter how well you did before, you find yourself living in the poorest neighborhoods or out in the boondocks in a trailer.
Six months of bad luck becomes six years of hell, because you can't even get good jobs without someone pulling your credit report. Even the IRS is an enemy, because bankruptcy and foreclosure counts as "forgiveness of debt" and is therefore income you must pay upon. They'll work with you, but you now have a crushing $200 debt per month to the IRS, another to the state, and you'd better not think about skipping a payment. Eat ramen noodles, if you have to. You learn to do without. It can take over five years to pay back everything owed, and if you are late once, tack on late fees and penalties.
Now try to get a job. The good jobs are out of your reach. Even if they ignore your worn clothing and rattletrap car, once they pull your credit report, you're politely but firmly shown the door. Therefore, you can't have the good jobs, so you stay in the poorest tax brackets and it becomes a pile of quicksand you can't escape from for seven to ten years. Worse, many companies are now going to internet-only applications. Don't have a computer or internet access? Go to the library, where you must wait your turn or work in short increments. Yeah, drive and waste gas or take the bus. Every day. Because they may email you back.
Learn to pay cash or do without. Shop thrift stores and swallow your pride to sift through the trash at the street, if you see a likely prospect. Learn to refinish furniture (if you can find a place that will allow you to do so, like a friend's garage), paint covers a multitude of sins (don't get any paint on the apartment patio or else), and Febreeze doesn't cover up all the smells. Don't forget to spray for bugs, or you'll find cockroaches and fleas are your new roommates.
Vacation? What's that? Forget it. Even if they offered vacation to the lowest scum in the factory --which they don't-- you can't afford to take it. You dread the winter holidays, knowing the factory shuts down for two weeks so the foremen and office staff can have their lovely holidays and ski trips, while you pray you've saved enough to make it through for a month with no income. (Two weeks off, plus two weeks after work starts before you get paid again.) You learn to handcraft gifts so you can at least give the kids a present, and smile bravely to wish each other "Merry Christmas and I love you" even though you couldn't afford more than a token dollar store present for your spouse. So what if the tree is a teeny three-foot Charlie Brown special you decorated with popcorn and whatever you could find? You have the holiday spirit, don't you? Stop crying. You're upsetting the family.
Pray your car holds out throughout the long drought. You can barely make rent. (Food, clothing, and shelter...pick any two.) If the car dies and can't be resurrected by a shade tree mechanic (aka DH and his tools) then he's going to be begging for rides to the factory or riding the bus. Imagine having to get on the bus at 6 AM and hoping you make it to work by 8 AM because you live in the poor neighborhood or boondocks at the far end of a bus route and two transfers, not to mention the long walk to the nearest stop. Repeat that two hour journey from 5 PM until you walk in the door about 7 PM, no matter what the weather. Your boss won't forgive you more than once if the bus is late. You will eventually lose your job, so plan on stocking up on those ramen noodles again to buy a beater car that breaks down regularly.
The pets suffer too. You can't afford to go to the vet for those fancy --and expensive-- flea drops. God forbid they get sick! You can sometimes participate in special charity events for spaying and neutering, but you have to have up to date shot records in hand, and licenses. Sometimes it's better just to arrange for the pet to be put to sleep, if the illness is the bad kind. Don't get another, no matter how much you miss the fur persons, or you're dooming that pet with you. Remember, if you have to move to a place where they don't allow pets, then your dear friend who trusts you must go to a shelter. In these economic times, the no-kill shelters are full, so you must risk giving your fur baby to a place that may kill them if no one adopts them in time. If you can't live with that, then don't get another pet.
Now let's move to the real heartbreaker-- the kids. The kids suffer the most. First, they lose the home they've loved. Sometimes they end up sharing a bedroom in the new place because there's no extra bedrooms to spare. Everyone is cramped and uncomfortable. There's no room for extra hobbies, and Mom's now trying to work on her novel at the dining room table while they do their homework at the other end. Dad's watching tv only a few feet away, distracting everyone unless they all have earbuds and mp3 players. Yep, that's family time. Yippee. So the kids begin to find other places to get away, like friends' homes or places with more lenient rules/less supervision. Bobby's mom works nights as a waitress, and his Dad drinks beer and ignores them, so they are free to get into trouble of all kinds. Pretty soon, the kids are immersed in the poor neighborhood's schools and street culture, where teen rebellion goes way beyond coloring your hair purple and wearing black Goth clothes. Rebellion that leads to gangs and jail. Good luck sheltering them. Teens already hate and resent their parents and will do anything to get away and do whatever the parents disapprove of. You're doomed. Welcome to being a grandmother before you're forty, if you have daughters.
There are good points to all this. No one is calling you on the phone demanding money you can't pay. Your bills are reduced down to only essentials, and you've learned to budget. Apartments have dishwashers and pools-- luxuries you haven't had for years. They are limited in space, so you learn not to be a pack rat and keep only the essentials, not storing that ugly lamp just because Aunt Tessie gave it to you. Neatness really does count. A lot.
You learn what's really important in your life, and it's not things, but the intangible stuff like love and loyalty. You really learn who your friends are because they stuck with you even when you didn't throw great parties and cried on their shoulder. They helped you move to the apartment and brought pizza when you couldn't afford anything but those damned ramen noodles. Even if you swore you'd never eat ramen noodles again, you know you can.
You've grown a spine of steel and you know you can survive just about anything.
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Lena Austin
http://www.LenaAustin.com
Writing blog: http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com
Recipe and Pagan blog: http://third-infinity.blogspot.com
Low Carb Diet blog: http://fatfrogdiary.blogspot.com
Be very grateful if you've never had the experience. I can't think of anything more humiliating than bankruptcy and foreclosure. Your life is destroyed and you're treated like scum, even if you paid your mortgage and bills on time for over ten years. No matter how well you did before, you find yourself living in the poorest neighborhoods or out in the boondocks in a trailer.
Six months of bad luck becomes six years of hell, because you can't even get good jobs without someone pulling your credit report. Even the IRS is an enemy, because bankruptcy and foreclosure counts as "forgiveness of debt" and is therefore income you must pay upon. They'll work with you, but you now have a crushing $200 debt per month to the IRS, another to the state, and you'd better not think about skipping a payment. Eat ramen noodles, if you have to. You learn to do without. It can take over five years to pay back everything owed, and if you are late once, tack on late fees and penalties.
Now try to get a job. The good jobs are out of your reach. Even if they ignore your worn clothing and rattletrap car, once they pull your credit report, you're politely but firmly shown the door. Therefore, you can't have the good jobs, so you stay in the poorest tax brackets and it becomes a pile of quicksand you can't escape from for seven to ten years. Worse, many companies are now going to internet-only applications. Don't have a computer or internet access? Go to the library, where you must wait your turn or work in short increments. Yeah, drive and waste gas or take the bus. Every day. Because they may email you back.
Learn to pay cash or do without. Shop thrift stores and swallow your pride to sift through the trash at the street, if you see a likely prospect. Learn to refinish furniture (if you can find a place that will allow you to do so, like a friend's garage), paint covers a multitude of sins (don't get any paint on the apartment patio or else), and Febreeze doesn't cover up all the smells. Don't forget to spray for bugs, or you'll find cockroaches and fleas are your new roommates.
Vacation? What's that? Forget it. Even if they offered vacation to the lowest scum in the factory --which they don't-- you can't afford to take it. You dread the winter holidays, knowing the factory shuts down for two weeks so the foremen and office staff can have their lovely holidays and ski trips, while you pray you've saved enough to make it through for a month with no income. (Two weeks off, plus two weeks after work starts before you get paid again.) You learn to handcraft gifts so you can at least give the kids a present, and smile bravely to wish each other "Merry Christmas and I love you" even though you couldn't afford more than a token dollar store present for your spouse. So what if the tree is a teeny three-foot Charlie Brown special you decorated with popcorn and whatever you could find? You have the holiday spirit, don't you? Stop crying. You're upsetting the family.
Pray your car holds out throughout the long drought. You can barely make rent. (Food, clothing, and shelter...pick any two.) If the car dies and can't be resurrected by a shade tree mechanic (aka DH and his tools) then he's going to be begging for rides to the factory or riding the bus. Imagine having to get on the bus at 6 AM and hoping you make it to work by 8 AM because you live in the poor neighborhood or boondocks at the far end of a bus route and two transfers, not to mention the long walk to the nearest stop. Repeat that two hour journey from 5 PM until you walk in the door about 7 PM, no matter what the weather. Your boss won't forgive you more than once if the bus is late. You will eventually lose your job, so plan on stocking up on those ramen noodles again to buy a beater car that breaks down regularly.
The pets suffer too. You can't afford to go to the vet for those fancy --and expensive-- flea drops. God forbid they get sick! You can sometimes participate in special charity events for spaying and neutering, but you have to have up to date shot records in hand, and licenses. Sometimes it's better just to arrange for the pet to be put to sleep, if the illness is the bad kind. Don't get another, no matter how much you miss the fur persons, or you're dooming that pet with you. Remember, if you have to move to a place where they don't allow pets, then your dear friend who trusts you must go to a shelter. In these economic times, the no-kill shelters are full, so you must risk giving your fur baby to a place that may kill them if no one adopts them in time. If you can't live with that, then don't get another pet.
Now let's move to the real heartbreaker-- the kids. The kids suffer the most. First, they lose the home they've loved. Sometimes they end up sharing a bedroom in the new place because there's no extra bedrooms to spare. Everyone is cramped and uncomfortable. There's no room for extra hobbies, and Mom's now trying to work on her novel at the dining room table while they do their homework at the other end. Dad's watching tv only a few feet away, distracting everyone unless they all have earbuds and mp3 players. Yep, that's family time. Yippee. So the kids begin to find other places to get away, like friends' homes or places with more lenient rules/less supervision. Bobby's mom works nights as a waitress, and his Dad drinks beer and ignores them, so they are free to get into trouble of all kinds. Pretty soon, the kids are immersed in the poor neighborhood's schools and street culture, where teen rebellion goes way beyond coloring your hair purple and wearing black Goth clothes. Rebellion that leads to gangs and jail. Good luck sheltering them. Teens already hate and resent their parents and will do anything to get away and do whatever the parents disapprove of. You're doomed. Welcome to being a grandmother before you're forty, if you have daughters.
There are good points to all this. No one is calling you on the phone demanding money you can't pay. Your bills are reduced down to only essentials, and you've learned to budget. Apartments have dishwashers and pools-- luxuries you haven't had for years. They are limited in space, so you learn not to be a pack rat and keep only the essentials, not storing that ugly lamp just because Aunt Tessie gave it to you. Neatness really does count. A lot.
You learn what's really important in your life, and it's not things, but the intangible stuff like love and loyalty. You really learn who your friends are because they stuck with you even when you didn't throw great parties and cried on their shoulder. They helped you move to the apartment and brought pizza when you couldn't afford anything but those damned ramen noodles. Even if you swore you'd never eat ramen noodles again, you know you can.
You've grown a spine of steel and you know you can survive just about anything.
Lena Austin
http://www.LenaAustin.com
Writing blog: http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com
Recipe and Pagan blog: http://third-infinity.blogspot.com
Low Carb Diet blog: http://fatfrogdiary.blogspot.com
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Emergency Preparedness
As some who know me may remember, I'm a big one for organization. Years ago, I found a place where women like myself can share organizing tips and tricks--FlyLady.com. This came across my email this morning from FlyLady:
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Lena Austin
http://www.LenaAustin.com
Writing blog: http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com
Recipe and Pagan blog: http://third-infinity.blogspot.com
Low Carb Diet blog: http://fatfrogdiary.blogspot.com
Note: I added a few comments.
11 Points of Preparedness in Case of Evacuation
flylady, 5/2/2010 8:23 pm
11 Points of Preparedness in case of Evacuation
Dear Friends,
With all the flooding in Tennessee and tornado season upon us, are you prepared to evacuate?
Here it is that time of year again when we are faced with the threat of Evacuation from our homes. We never know when we this could happen because of fire, tornadoes, storms, floods or hurricanes.
It is up to us to be prepared! Don't wait think this can't happen to you. We have seen power outages from ice storms and raging fires down under. Please take this plan and pull it together to help keep you calm in a storm.
1. PEOPLE: Have a plan for getting out of the house and make sure everyone knows it. Have an emergency bag of food and water for your family. Include wholesome snacks and treats for the children: dried fruit, nuts, peanut butter, crackers, and granola bars.
2. PETS: Keep pet carriers and leashes readily available to lead pets to safety. Also, take pet food with you.
3. PICTURES: Keep negatives or CDs of pictures in a lock box or at a family member's home. Have picture albums in one place ready to grab and go at a moments notice. If you have time, scan the most precious and upload to a trusted picture site like Photobucket or Flickr. These online storage methods will ensure you don't even have to carry CD's.
4. PAPERS: Have all your important papers in a lock box at a bank and only keep copies at the house. This keeps you from panicking. If you have them at home then put them in a folder that you can easily grab if you have to move fast. Color-code it so you can find it! Again, online storage can help here too. Scan these items and email them to yourself. If you use Yahoo or Gmail, you can store these emails in folders online.
5. PRESCRIPTIONS: Take your medications with you. Don't forget the ones that have to be refrigerated like insulin. Have small ice chest and cold packs readily accessible to pack and go. If you have babies, remember their formula or medications.
6. PURSES and PETROL: This is where you keep your identification, credit cards, and cash. Keep a stash of cash for emergencies and grab it. You may not be able to use an ATM in the event of a power outage. Make sure your car always has a half a tank of gas.
7. PROPER CLOTHES and COMFORT ITEMS: According to the weather conditions; gather up a change of clothes along with outer clothing: coats, rain gear, boots, gloves and hats. If you have babies remember diapers. Remember to grab your children's favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or toy. A game or a deck of cards could keep them occupied and calm too.
8. PLANNER/CALENDAR/CONTROL JOURNAL: These documents have all the information you will need from phone numbers, insurance numbers, and important dates. They are small and filled with things you don't have to try to remember.
9. PERSONAL PROTECTION: Many of us still have that time of the month. Be sure and grab a box of your preferred protection. It may be hard to find if you have been evacuated. Stress can cause our bodies to do strange things too. So be prepared. Take medication for cramps too.
10. PHONES, RADIOS, FUEL FOR THE CAR: Many of us have cell phones now. Always keep them charged up and have a charger in the car or an extra battery. They may not work in the event of power outages, but then they might. Know which local radio station has emergency bulletins. Keep your battery-powered radio tuned to that local station and have plenty of batteries for it. Also keep a old type regular phone that does not operate with electricity. GAS PUMPS don't work without power either. You can't leave if your car is on empty. So, keep your car fuel tank topped off when it hits a half of tank. This way you will have gas to drive at least a couple of hours. Evacuation routes are usually bumper-to-bumper traffic. Having a tank filled will keep you less stressed.
11. PATIENCE: This is one of the most important things to pack. Keep it inside of you so that you have a clear calm head. Having your P's to Preparedness list guiding you will keep you patient. In the event of an evacuation there will be lots of displaced people. Being patient will make things less stressful. Your children need to see you calm and collected. This will help keep them calm too.
We can FLY in the face of Danger and Emergency if we are prepared. Don't wait till you are being asked to evacuate. Everyone thinks that it could not happen to them. Well it could and it is up to you to make sure you are prepared.
Don't wait! DO IT NOW!!
Lena Austin
http://www.LenaAustin.com
Writing blog: http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com
Recipe and Pagan blog: http://third-infinity.blogspot.com
Low Carb Diet blog: http://fatfrogdiary.blogspot.com
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