Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Let's talk BDSM-- The Limits List

A limits list is a chart or database listing all the various sexual activities possible. Some are fairly obscure. Many are illegal if you live in a state with blue laws. (Looking balefully at the Changeling lawyers.) They make me warn you that many activities on the list are illegal and in some cases dangerous. Please do not attempt anything dangerous without proper instruction, medical equipment, etc. If you don't know, don't play! Ignorance is not bliss.

You will find my favorite limits list here: http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html. I am pleased to say it includes a link to an extensive online glossary, so you may look up any terms you do not know.

Most limits lists are set up in a similar format. There are columns for what you agree to do readily, what you might be willing to do at a later date (with time, trust, and training on your side), and what you will never do in a million years.

Limits lists are meant to be reviewed yearly and changed. What you would never consider now might be something you'd consider in a few years. As you experiment, you may find you don't like some things in the Maybe column and some you really love. Review them often with a Dominant you love.

Give a copy to any Dominant you want to play with. A good Dom/me will ask for one, and arrange a non-BDSM session over non-alcoholic beverages and a great deal of time to discuss the list with you at length. He or She will want to know many small details, so be prepared to be completely honest.

While we're on the subject, let's make this clear. Good, honest Dominants are difficult to find and deliberately elusive. They have a good reason to be so! How'd you like to be under the constant threat of arrest for assault and battery? You will meet with the Dominant at least twice, and possibly many times before being permitted to play. This is for your safety as well. Consider it a sign of a wary, cautious individual. Caution is a good trait in a Dominant. Be grateful.

I always made my potential subs meet with me at least three times. The first was to simply meet for dutch treat coffee in a public place. No limits lists, just getting to know one another on a social level. I expected them to bring a friend or have safety measures in place, and even suggested things like the friend watching in the corner, a check-in cell phone call at a specified time, etc. Hey, I did.

The second meeting was again public. At that point, I might choose somewhere still public, but more secluded. The al fresco section of a Starbucks, a restaurant corner booth. Still dutch treat, and still absolutely no Domination on my part. The most we'd do is exchange limits lists and possibly contact information like a nice neutral cell phone number or email, if this was not already done. The purpose was to get the lists and study them at leisure. By now, personality traits would be surfacing. Was the sub patient with the process? Did he or she quickly scan the list to make sure it was completely filled out? Was theirs? Did they follow instructions to the letter?

The third visit would be private. Possibly my home, possibly theirs, depending on their comfort level. Again, I expected a safety measure in place. At minimum, I expected to be interrupted with a phone call from a friend asking if they were all right. I wouldn't even object if the friend was in the next room. This was the detailed session where I'd question everything on the list and get an idea of what scenarios they wanted.

The final session would be a visit to a public dungeon. This would be where the sub would be permitted to watch how I operated, and not expected to participate unless they chose. Even if they did, I would go slow and light, checking endlessly for their comfort limits. Mild training to my standards of behavior could be done as well. (I like my coffee "second slave," meaning blonde and sweet. Get it right.)

Then, and only then, would they wear my temporary collar. You earned a permanent collar with me only after training was complete.

Yes, it's exhausting and exacting. You'd want a cautious, caring Dominant, wouldn't you?

Lena

Lena Austin
http://www.lenaaustin.com/
http://depravedduchess.blogspot.com/


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Welcome to my Blog!

Thanks for popping by! Don't sit on the whipping horse unless you want to find out how it's used. I speak my mind and annoy many people, but all of it is meant in good spirit. Feel free to argue with me. I like it.

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Lena